I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
