Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I pour the whiskey from now on
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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