Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
