forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
