ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
