God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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