my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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