im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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