I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
