bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Buhtt sex?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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