i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
