I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
