BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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