I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
