How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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