Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I will be naked everywhere
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
