you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i came on her dog
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
