you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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