I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
