I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
