Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
