Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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