Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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