I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
