upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You ruined the universe
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
