My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
