My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I need water and some morals
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
