I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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