is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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