Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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