Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
