i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
