I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
