My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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