oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
