So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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