Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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