Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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