I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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