I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
