Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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