Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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