Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize