i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
