Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
