remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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