i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I FOUND THE LEGS
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
