you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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