I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think my moral compass just broke
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
