i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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