i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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