He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dear god my vagina.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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