Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize