Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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