ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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