Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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