we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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