what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Randomize
