I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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