Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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