i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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