Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
