Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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