Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The best revenge is premature balding
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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