I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
