And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
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