On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
