You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
