I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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