i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
