I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
