Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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