i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
