Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I have aggressive nipples.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
